you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
