Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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