I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
