I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
