she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
