She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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