Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
