do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
