So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
