Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
send nudes
from the living room?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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