At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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