you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
