yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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