I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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