Your mouth is God's brothel.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Couch. On fire.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
