Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
