I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
