i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
