Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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