I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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