Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
