i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
