why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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