my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
