I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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