Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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