I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
