Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize