i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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