the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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