so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
