I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she told me i tasted like america
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
