I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
