More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
