Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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