I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
