Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my shit smells like andre
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
