You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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