I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
