Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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