I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
