broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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