I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
