Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
