I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
