I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
