I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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