I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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