if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
