dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
