a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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