booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
