it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
