I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
