He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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