Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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