it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
They have beer where we have blood.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
