I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
