just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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