dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize