I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
