Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
