The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
