Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
