That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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