I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
