"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
